Four Women

Just a Day at the Squishy Park

My husband and I took our boys to the "squishy park" (that's what our preschool-aged children affectionately call the mall play area). We were there for about 10 minutes before anyone else showed up, so I played with the boys. We were playing tag. I was climbing the squishy tree and pulling my overweight body through the tunnels and jumping over bridges, etc. The boys were having a blast with their mama, who usually just sits and watches them play. 

And Then There Were Two

When I saw another mom come into the park with a preschool-aged boy, I played for only a short time more. I felt she was watching me--me in my sweat pants (because it's laundry day) and my old T-shirt (because only T-shirts fit over my round belly without drawing attention to it). As I pulled myself through the tunnel for the last time, I wasn't watching my baby's smiling face at seeing my chasing hands reach out for him. I was looking at that mom, who was watching me, and I couldn't help but think how she must be assessing me, and how would I measure up? 

She sat so proper, legs crossed, hair slicked into a bun, business pants, dress shoes, and a pea coat clasped tight in front. Sometimes she would watch her son play, but mostly she just sat, straight-faced.

Three's Company

Then Mom #3 walked into the park with a toddler girl who wore pink leggings and a tutu. She was adorable, and she had her mom's full attention. Mom #3's hair was awesome, pulled up into a messy ponytail, nose ring glinting under the skylight, dress pants, and a bright red pea coat. When she walked in with her daughter I thought, she must be headed to work after this. Then as she sat down, she took off her jacket and revealed a tight fitting baby doll shirt that clashed with her dress pants. When she bent over to talk to her toddler girl, her breasts were in full view of the whole mall, and when she sat or stood, she crossed her arms across her tiny body, as if hiding behind them. 

Four's a Delight

When Mom #4 came into the park with her 3 kids (I'm not sure if all were hers) I was immediately drawn to her tight braid, wondering how I could do that with my hair. It was so simple. She wore no make-up. She wore regular boot-legged jeans, and a plain T-shirt. Despite her simplicity, she was the most sure-footed, confident woman in the squishy park today. She had control over her kids; she scanned the park constantly; she looked at her cell phone a total of twice during the 1/2 hour I was there with my kids. This woman obviously didn't spend unneeded time preparing herself for the day doing fancy hair and make-up, but it was obvious that she did take care of herself. Her hair was braided back, and her clothes were clean. Though she had three kids in tow, she didn't seem the least bit frazzled or unorganized. She seemed perfectly happy to be there, just watching her kids play. She seemed to have no worries about lunch or nap time. She seemed to not worry about anything except the task at hand. 

Light Bulb

Five moms. One squishy park. 
None spoke to one another. The children played, and the moms sat on the benches, and no one spoke. Yet there was a lot said. 
When I arrived at the park I had a great time. With each addition to the play area, though, I felt worse and worse about myself. 
Why?
Hey world! In case you didn't know, moms are competitive. Sometimes they can be pushy, and sometimes they can be ugly. But when they're being none of those things, there's no reason to let them bring you down. 
None of those moms were trying to make me feel bad about myself. None of them did anything to make me feel bad. Regardless, I did. I left the squishy park feeling self-conscious, momentarily forgetting the fun I had with the boys, and determined to get home. 
It doesn't have to be this way. 

Mom's Night Out

To celebrate Mother's Day today, I went to see Mom's Night Out, a brand new movie by Provident Films, with some friends. My one word review is: awesome. Unfortunately that just doesn't do it justice.

For a mom of three to get out for two hours, spend $20, and watch a movie it takes a lot of planning, and coaxing (most moms would feel guilty for leaving the kids). So today's treat was a big deal, and I have to share it in more than one word--or a few.

First, the main character is a "mommy blogger" (like me), and though she has a small following (of 3) she feels she is a failure when she hits writer's block. It's at the same time that she also feels a failure as a mom, because, let's face it, she's unhappy. And we know that all stay-at-home-moms should be happy, right? I mean, we get to stay home with our kids all day (something most working moms would kill for). We get control over what they eat, what they learn (at least if we're homeschooling), how they're disciplined, we get to take a break in front of the TV whenever we want, right? Well, this Super-Mommy-Blogger, Allyson, did take a break. Actually her husband, Sean, came home to find her hiding inside her closet with a laptop and an empty bag of chocolate (yes, empty). She wasn't watching a soap opera or reality TV--she was watching a live cam of a mother eagle caring for her young. She was transfixed by this creature, who was so calm and peaceful while being a mom.

While in the closet I couldn't help but notice the size of her closet (she had a walk-in closet), and then she draws attention to a very nice pair of heels (which she hasn't worn in two years). So, you may ask: what is there to be unhappy about? She has a nice house, a walk-in closet, nice clothes, a loving husband, and children that some women try and fail to conceive. I have to point out that a big closet is nice, but if you don't have a reason to wear your nice clothes, what is the point? If you have a loving husband that you can't spend time with because you have a preschooler sleeping in your bed what's the point? If you have beautiful children, but don't have time to look at their faces when they talk, then you're missing out on more than you know!

The reason Allyson's story moved me so, is because it's my story. The pressure on moms to perform is strong and comes from all angles. Not only are we to perform well, but also happily. If we have a breadwinner that provides all of our resources, and 24 hours in each day to get everything finished that we need to, we should do it all with a smile on our face. I mean, we chose this life didn't we?

Several times in Mom's Night Out, I had that moment when I watched this woman say the things I've kept hidden in my heart. When she tells her husband that what she wanted to do when she grew up was "be a mom" and now she is one, and yet she's unhappy I watched along with 100 other people, but my heart broke (because I've felt that way too). How do you reconsile the life you have to the one you envisioned all along when you were dreaming it up? How do you try and explain to your husband that you're unhappy, but you really don't know what to change, because you really wouldn't change a thing?

Allyson tries to make a change. She plans a mom's night out, which becomes a terrible mess in the beginning, and just gets worse from there. But in the end it turns out kind of wonderful. They find all the kids, get everyone out of jail, relationship between friend and friend's rebellious, teenage daughter is reconciled, and they even find out that the "man-child" is responsible enough to take care of a couple of kids, and the cab driver even remains a friend.

In the end, the mother realizes that her job is important, and sometimes hard, and sometimes easy, but always worth it (that's when I cried).

There are many reasons why I loved this movie. First, it told my story and didn't leave out any dirty details. I don't know a mom who hasn't had a total meltdown, and if a mother tells me she never has, I'm not sure I believer her. Secondly, the movie was produced by a faith-based film company, and doesn't stress the media-driven "perfect mother" that seems to be the popular norm. It also didn't focus on the traditional image of the church and the perfect (or even functional) relationship with other Christians or even Jesus. I like this because the truth is that mothers have a different kind of experience at church than most people might (as displayed in the film, when the main character shows up late, and then misses half the service due to motherly duties). A lot of time mothers understand the love of God through others or through their own families.

Also, when push comes to shove, and when it comes between taking care of ourselves or taking care of our kids and home, we will always choose our kids, husband, and home first. Mom's don't often shop for themselves, take time for themselves, or study the Bible, attend church, or even pray for themselves. It's just like what Sean explains to her in the movie: in airplanes we are told to put our oxygen mask on first--get our oxygen on before taking care of others. We cannot take care of our family until we first take care of ourselves. We cannot teach our children to love God, if we don't first love Him ourselves. That means building a relationship with God--not just loving him.

A lot goes into loving who you are and what you've become. Allyson was first and foremost a woman. She wanted to be a mom, so she became one. She wanted to be a wife, so she married. She wanted to homeschool, live a Christian life, and blog about it, so she did. She did what she wanted to, but never did what she needed to do. She needed time to herself, to take the pressure off, and to cultivate an identity on her own.

Sometimes (a lot of times) I feel like the only identity I have is wrapped up in my kids. This is a lie from the devil. I exist, first for God. He created Adam and Eve to first be with Him, then to be with each other, and then to multiply. Being parents is a wonderful gift and experience, but it is a perk of the much bigger company we keep (God's company). He made us mothers, after all, and I bet it breaks His heart to see it hurting us. When being a mother hurts me, it means I need to make a change. I'm so glad that this movie reminded me of that. Not only that, but a movie theater in Casper, Wyoming was full of people who were reminded of that. Theaters across the country were filled with men, women, and children who saw the vulnerability of a mother and it was beautiful.

When Facebook Becomes Unfriendly

What do you do when your non-Christian friends are nicer than your Christian ones? 

Sometimes (especially on Facebook), it seems like the non-Christian or "unchurched" or "non-attending" are more pleasant, more understanding, and kinder than those who you sit next to in church every week! 

If you find yourself defending your behavior, your doctrines, and your lifestyle on Facebook, it's safe to assume that perhaps you have less "friends" than you think on the social media website. 

I don't know about you, but when I post something on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram I do so for one of a few reasons: to share what's important to me, to share frustrations of mine, or to get advice. Usually it is fairly clear what the point of my posts are. If I want advice I will usually ask. If I want to share an experience I will most likely post a picture to accompany my post. If I'm frustrated...my friends know. It is in my tone. 

So when I post a happy exclamation about an experience with my family, maybe with a photo attached, I do so to share it with family and friends. I do so in order to broaden the experience. I want my "friends" to be happy alongside me. I want my children to know that the experience meant something to me. And also, let's face it. 

I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I have exactly 2 hours of uninterrupted time on a good day. That's the time I have to make calls, pay bills, return emails, write, etc. Basically my day revolves around nap time--planning for my most productive hours to fall in that time, and scheduling everything else so that we're at home for nap time. It's really exhausting, and I have little time for socializing. 

For this reason, Facebook is a big outlet for me to vent, share, and aspire. But, when I log on and notifications are full of comments of judgements and prejudices, my heart sinks. When my newsfeed is full of my fellow Christian brothers and sisters complaining about the "heathens" of the world my heart breaks. I wonder, who sees these things? Who is their audience? 

If I'm the audience, then this online behavior just makes me question the humanity of fellow Christians. And if the "unchurched" is the audience, they see Christians as demeaning and judgmental. 

Much of the time we post a status, or a retort on someone else's status without thinking of the audience. The truth is that we can have one bad day, and when we "friend" a new person they will search backward and see that one bad day when we said something awful about our neighbor taking our parking space, our church deacon taking his children trick-or-treating (gasp!), or the new couple who came to church with sleeve tattoos. 
Our audience is bigger than we can ever imagine. 

Think about this: with Facebook you have an opportunity to effect hundreds (maybe thousands) of people. You don't have any control over how they will interpret your activities online, so you may have hundreds (or thousands) of people out there who have been hurt, offended, or who may agree and share it with their friends who may be hurt or offended. We never know. What we do know it that the odds of a real life interaction being misinterpreted is fairly slim. Body language, tone, and verbal interaction combines to make an inevitable connection. And you have control over it. 

Consider the possibilities. You can wreak havoc on the internet, or you can make a real life connection with a real life to it. You can be more understood, and more understanding. You can change someone for the better, and it might be you. 

When I grew up there was a saying "A picture is worth a thousand words". 

Well I do not agree with this statement anymore. Over the last decade nearly every person has gotten a digital camera to keep in their pocket. Photos are taken at nearly every instant of life. Photos can be manipulated in such a fashion that the images depicted don't even have to be present to photograph. The fact of the matter is, the pictures are not worth much anymore. I see pictures of my nieces and nephews fairly often, but if I had them here with me to even speak 500 words with me, I'd trade it for all the pictures in the world. Nothing can replace a real life connection. Nothing can replace hearing my kids talk to me (even when they're so frustrating and repetitive). 

I heard a study on the radio not to long ago that said a phone call with a loved one releases the same endorphins as receiving a hug. 

How long has it been since you spoke with a loved one on the phone? Texting, MessageMe, Facebook IMing do not count. Do you know your loved ones' phone numbers? When is the last time you dialed them? 

There is a lot of press swirling around the internet about putting down our phones and enjoying the people around you. That is an encouragement, but not very many are making a change--myself included. Until this week. Everyday for three days I have talked to someone I love on the phone. Sometimes I don't have much time, but I dial anyway and talk for a few minutes. Sometimes my kids are screaming in my ear while I'm trying to talk, but that's okay. The people I love know that I made an effort. They also know what my life is like because they hear my life through the phone line. 

I hope you can do the same. Find something to do, and follow through to make your real life more real for you and those you love--because, let's face it, your real life is all you'll have left someday. You don't often see the little old ladies in the nursing homes Instagramming their knitting circle. No. They have to make friends with their neighbors, roommates, and staff. Don't wait until it's too late, because just like everything else, you can forget how to talk to people if you don't make it a priority. 

Why I left the "Secret" Mommy Group

Are Secrets Safe on the Internet?

Several months ago a friend of mine asked me if I'd be interested in joining a group of women in a secret Facebook group. The group is secret and private, meaning you have to be added, and the group isn't visible in search boxes. 

Well, of course I wanted to be a part of this group of mothers (mostly on the younger to middle aged side), mostly Adventist (but not exclusively), and confidential (so no judgement or ridicule from "IRL" friends). 

So what do we do in a secret group, you may ask? I can't speak for everyone, but I can call it like I see it. Mostly this very large group of women bragged about their kids and their life (which is awesome and would be nice to see more often on the not-so-secret pages of social media). Others complained about their kids and their life. Some posted pictures of their kids and their life. Still a whole multitude asked questions--questions about health: rashes, fevers, stool color and consistency, etc. Questions were asked about relationships, church, employment. All the questions asked could be answered with one search on Web MD, Google, etc. So what's the difference? It's easy to use a search engine. Then you aren't notified every second-and-a-half that "so-and-so commented on your post in such-and-such". Also, if you use a search engine you are more likely to get the opinion of a reputable source rather than 75 random women strewn across the country or the globe. 

So, why does this secret mommy group have over 1300 members and is still growing?

It is the premise of confidentiality and secrecy that makes these women comfortable asking, sharing, and commenting in this group. It is the idea that no one will ever know, and no one will ever share what is said there. 

What Happens in Vegas...

The old saying "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" is no longer true and cannot be true. Why? 

Today's technology of time stamps and "location services" embedded into cell phones, apps, email, computers, and vehicles makes it impossible to stay under the radar. It seems that everyone may not know what you're doing or where you are, but if someone wants to know, they can find out fairly easily.

It isn't just GPS and time stamps, though. When you post a photo onto the internet or send it with a cell phone, it is forever in the online world. Once there, it can be hacked, manipulated, and shared with the masses. 

But, I've never Shared Anything Bad!

A breastfeeding photo without a baby in it eating is just that. A breast photo. How easy is it to crop out a baby? It is extremely easy to crop a baby out of a breastfeeding photo. No, I haven't done it, but I've edited enough photos to know that someone else can crop out a baby and leave the goodies to look at and share. 

An innocent photo of a baby in the bathtub can be manipulated as well. If you don't think it can, you are naive and in danger. Also, it is time to realize that not only "mommies" can create a profile with a female name, slap a maternity or baby photo on the profile picture, and be added to a secret group. 

You haven't shared anything bad? Have you ever shown your bra strap in a photo? According to the Modesty Survey 40.3% of people surveyed agree that this is a stumbling block for the opposite sex. And that's if we're assuming none of the moms in the group are lesbians! How do you think you would feel if you truly knew what goes through the minds of every person in the group when they see the photos you post of yourself or your children?

The Double Standard

I recently removed myself from the "secret" mommy group because a few weeks ago I added my husband to my Facebook profile. It's a growing trend, you know, sharing everything with your spouse or significant other--especially online stuff that can cause issues in even a good marriage. So more and more people are sharing Facebook accounts for whatever reason. 

All of the sudden, a couple moms in the "secret" mommy group have a problem with it. What are they afraid of? The majority I heard is that they don't want husbands seeing their breastfeeding photos! As I stated above how grossly this argument is flawed, there is also the probability that someday we will get tired of Facebook and it will lose money, resulting in it's sale to the government or a private buyer (who will then own every photo, status update, video, etc ever shared with the exact time and location). Oh, you think that the privacy policy will apply to it once it belongs to someone else? Sorry, you'd be wrong. 
Then there's the issue mentioned above. Who says my husband accidentally seeing a breastfeeding photo is worse than the other people seeing the photos (you know, the 1300+ random strange women who are also in the group). 

I can assure you that my husband couldn't care less about the goings-on of the "secret" mommy group, but if you're afraid your husband will seek out photos of breasts online, there are plenty of other places to find them. Perhaps you should get off the internet and have a conversation with him. 

In Real Life

In real life there is this crazy thing called "support" that happens without a keyboard, a profile, or a "secret" group. In real life this support comes in the form of friends, family, and church. In real life you don't have to keep secrets, because not everything is recorded, not everything is public (online everything is public, secret or not), and not everything is for sale. In real life you can pick up the phone or drive to a friend's house and have a confidential talk. Being afraid of my husband (who rarely uses our joint Facebook account) seeing your breastfeeding photo is equivalent to me refusing to nurse my baby at my friends house just in case her husband comes home. There's something called discretion. If I think someone's coming over who shouldn't see my breasts, I cover up! It's the newest rage. I'd rather my "real life" friends see me breastfeed my kid than 1300 strange women anyway. 

In real life I don't have to worry about my husband seeking out breasts to look at, because he sees mine enough for free (pull your jaw back up, you were all thinking the same thing already). In real life I have friends that don't care that I'm married and have a very faithful and open communication with my husband. 

Do I divulge the secrets? No. Would I show my husband breastfeeding pictures on the "secret" mommy group? No. My integrity is 100% the same online and "in real life". Can you say that? Can you say it for all 1300+ members of your "secret" group? I'd say if you can't speak for the integrity of the people you're sharing your secrets with, or the people on your Facebook friends for that matter, then you need to try real life out. Go outside (gasp!) and knock on your next-door-neighbor's house. Offer your hand for a human, physical connection, and invite them over to dinner or to talk. If it's a man, and you're a woman, invite them for cookies and coffee on your porch, invite another person to make it more appropriate, or just don't worry about it! If you're not trying to show him  your breasts, and you keep the meeting public it may be okay! You may even make a friend. You may be able to minister. You may just start an epidemic on your street! Maybe instead of "secret" support groups,  you'll spear head an annual block barbeque (yes, those used to happen when people weren't afraid to meet their neighbors). 

High Drama Mama(s)

Did I enjoy being a part of the "secret" mommy group? Yes. But that doesn't mean that all this drama hasn't made me realize just how much drama goes on there! When you can sit behind a keyboard it is so easy to drop inhibitions and say/do/share things you wouldn't ordinarily. Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings and a lot of drama. When you believe that everything is private and confidential and "secret" you sometimes forget that maybe some people in the group know you in real life! Maybe you would even talk about them and just confuse "secret" with "no judgement". Believe it or not, when you say something online, people can be hurt "in real life". It happens. The people behind the screen are real-life people with beating hearts who think and feel. When you want to rant about your kids being horrible, someone reading your post may have just lost a baby. When you rant about your husband forgetting to take out the trash, someone in the group may have just been widowed. When you rant about politics, family, church, etc someone in the group of 1300+ people will be touched in a good way or a bad. 

Don't you want all your connections to be good? Don't you want it to be a good experience knowing you? 

If you just place a little more value in your "in real life", it may surprise you how much it will affect your online life. 

And when you realize that people in real life want to connect with you, it will work wonders for your soul! You are worth more than a number in a Facebook group or a ((hug)) in a comment box. You can have a real hug. I promise you that. 

When God Calls...Satan Attacks...and God Redeems

For several years I have had my heels dug in 

Staying in my comfort zone, afraid to step outside the box. Two miles from my parents, three blocks from my home church, everything else I needed within a short walk or drive down the road.

I remember exactly when I told God that I would go wherever he led us. We had just returned home from a 16 week stay in Oregon (which is a LONG way from home), and I realized while I was there that I would be willing to go anywhere God sent us.
It took me awhile after that realization, though, before I told God that I would go anywhere he wanted to send us.

It was then that the devil knew I was serious

                         and then he got serious.

It started when my baby was born almost 6 months ago. He was a perfect, beautiful, and healthy baby boy for about an hour. Then he had a spontaneous pneumothorax which landed him in the NICU for 

5 days--the longest 5 days of my life. For 5 days we could barely touch him for fear that he would cry and widen the hole in his lung. It was such a blessing to hold him and take him home after that time, but that wasn't the end of our plight.
We'd been dealing with ear infections with our 2 year old. Poor kid practically took antibiotics nonstop. When he got bronchitis, I figured that was the worst of it, but after another ear infection we went the tubes/adenoid/tonsillectomy route. A week of waking up in the night with a screaming, dehydrated toddler, and we were in the ER with a chest Xray that also confirmed pneumonia (and more antibiotics).
It was 2 months that my baby was sick.

When God Calls

Around this time Morrel was getting some calls and emails about a job he applied for last fall. He interviewed for it via video and told me afterward that it was the best interview he ever had and he felt like he was going to get the job. The job was in Wyoming, and before he even got the confirmation call we were making plans to move.
About a month before we moved to Wyoming Morrel started sneezing. It started here and there, and then became a constant struggle. We started finding things with mold on them throughout our house, and finally we found the source of the problem. Our ventilation system was moldy, and so was the air we were breathing. For the last month we lived in Missouri we actually lived in my parents' living room. We went to what became known as "the moldy house" to pack our stuff daily.
During this time Morrel got a sore that refused to heal and became very painful. Having a physician in the family has its perks, because we knew right away it was MRSA and took precautions to not pass it along to our kids. Unfortunately about a week after Morrel got it, so did I. They were both fairly mild, but rather painful, and we both had to take strong antibiotics.
By the time we made it to Wyoming we were healed from the MRSA.

But the financial stress was compounding

As soon as Morrel accepted the job as youth mentor for the church in Wyoming, we got paperwork from the Veteran's Administration explaining that we would be losing our regular monthly payment of nearly $1000 for three months.
We panicked and spent the better part of two months attempting to sell our minivan with no luck. Finally, 2 days before we left Missouri the car dealership called and had sold our van! It was by God's grace that we chose a dealership that had an identical van for sale already, because a company came in to buy BOTH vans, which meant we would get exactly what we wanted for ours. Selling our van, having a massive yard sale where we sold most of our furniture and baby stuff assured us we'd be able to cover our deposit and rent on our place in Wyoming. The U-haul company actually gave us a large trailer for the price of a medium one when they realized we had almost no money to work with. One of Morrel's friends even collected money throughout the Upper Columbia and Oregon Conferences to provide our gas money. My mom got a bonus from work the very week we left, so we felt better about emergencies that may come up on the trip.  seemed to come together. All in all, and as per usual, God provided exactly what we needed and not a penny more. 

After a fairly easy 1200 mile trip with 3 young children and two vehicles (my dad made the trip with us in his car), we made it to our house. We had found a place for the perfect price in the perfect place. It's a single-wide trailer sitting on a ranch with animals of all kinds, so the children love it. It's perfect, and we have been settling in nicely. 

However

During our first week in our new home our infant had a noticeable amount of blood in his diaper. Being the 21st Century mama that I am I turned to Google, which basically told me that my kid had a dairy allergy. Problem solved! I'd stop eating dairy. Well just as a precaution, and at the prompting of my mom, we took the baby to the doctor to find out after blood and stool testing that he had C Diff. The stress of changing an infant's diaper with two bickering toddlers in an unbabyproofed house full of boxes and an assortment of junk worsened when I had to wear rubber gloves and sanitize everything with Clorox wipes and wash my hands before I could touch my other kids. My mom figured that the baby had to have gotten it from somewhere so we had Abel tested, and he was also positive. 

What Goes around

                                Comes around

All the sickness that Abel had months ago in Missouri, and all the time he had been on antibiotics caused his body to lose all its good bacteria, so he had nothing left to fight this nasty infection. The antibiotics that I took for MRSA while breastfeeding Mark caused him to contract it from Abel. I decided I'd never give my kids antibiotics again. Then we found that although that's where this all started, they needed a very strong antibiotic to kill the C Diff, or they could get very sick. Adults are treated for C Diff with usually two very strong drugs simultaneously. Because of their young age my kids could only take one, and we only really had one chance to do it right. Miraculously they each took every single dose (every 6 hours around the clock) for 10 days, but how we got the medicine in the first place is a God story.

God at Work

The nurse called me to confirm what the boys had and explained that there was only one place in the area that I could get the medication, and they do not take insurance. We went to pick up the medication, which was very expensive for both boys and I actually had to call my mom to buy them because we had no money until Morrel got his first check a full month after our move. I waited for them to prepare both while also chatting with the receptionist. As we talked we realized that she is a member of the church where Morrel is working as youth leader, and all of her six children are youth in the church! What a blessing this chance meeting has been, because we have made great friends with this family. 

When the devil sees a smile

It seems like as soon as things began to look positive in our new life here I had what looked like MRSA again. I went about a week in denial, and refused to see a doctor because of everyone in our family I am the only one who doesn't have insurance. Because of all the health issues we've had over the past few months this is a point of great stress for me. A mother should be able to protect her family, especially the tiny baby that only drinks breast milk! For this reason I started researching natural cures for MRSA, and happened upon one that seemed promising. I found what's called Manuka Honey, which has been reported to begin healing MRSA wounds within 24 hours. On a Friday I received birthday money from my parents and purchased the honey. On Saturday we had an outdoor church service at a park about 40 miles away and we spent all day there and all evening at a friend's (the same friend I met at the pharmacy). By the end of the day the wound was not healing. If anything, it had worsened. When I got home I couldn't walk, but was just dragging my leg behind me and sobbing for Morrel to help me. No way could this be MRSA, because this natural cure wasn't working! 

Well, the age-old saying "it's always darkest before the dawn" is truth. After that day my leg healed steadily, and is now almost completely healed and a memory. Instead of a $200+ doctor's visit and a $30+antibiotic (that would be detrimental to my infant's health) I spent $15 dollars on a jar of honey that healed this wound that was causing me so much pain and stress I was beginning to be depressed. 

Other healing

In His divinity, God knew that this mama was worn thin. I don't even think Morrel realized how serious my anxiety over our health was getting. God knew that it wasn't only about our health though. We were desperately waiting for Morrel's first paycheck from his youth mentor job, surviving on food stamps to eat, and putting gas in the car with money from selling Morrel's phone and my cloth diapers, and even some donations from some wonderful friends.
The first job Morrel applied for, the manager called him within the hour of dropping off his application. He went in for an interview the following Monday at 9:30 am, and started at work at 2 pm that same day. Not only did he get a job, but he got a part time job, with Sabbaths off, that doesn't conflict with his youth mentor job, and he's working with youth in the after school program! God is good and faithful.
It seems the more he worked this other part time job, the more he worked with church youth as well, and eventually we started getting small partial paychecks from these two jobs.
At this time he started working another job mowing lawns a day or two a week, so he is keeping very busy.

The little things

Even with these small paychecks coming in (which didn't start until three weeks after our move) we still couldn't afford the little things: contacts lenses for me, shoes for the kids, seems like we were living "diaper to diaper". I even ran out of band-aids and I was covering my MRSA with cotton balls and masking tape for two weeks until my skin was so damaged that I bled each time I removed the tape. It's these things that we often forget about. We pay the bills and let the little things go, so when we can't pay a bill, you know we're bad off.

It started on facebook

First I sent a text to some friends back home in Missouri telling them I wasn't going to have my phone for awhile (I don't remember telling anyone in our new church, though). Then Morrel went to do some outreach at the welcome back BBQ at the college campus. After handing out flyers all afternoon with his phone number on them and meeting many college-aged youth and handing out his phone number, his phone was to shut off the next day. He just put up a simple status on facebook letting people know to contact him online.

We didn't notice, but one of our new friends defriended us both on facebook, and over the course of 6 hours on a Wednesday that was a sad day for Morrel (because it was the end of his military contract) a group of about 40 people (a lot of whom we haven't even met yet) decided that we needed some help, even though we didn't ask. In six hours 40 people raised $1000, a $25 gift card, and a pick-up truck load of food, diapers, wipes, toilet paper, Clorox wipes, Kleenexes (all those little things that we don't spend money on when we're broke), etc. 

In six hours a group of people we'd barely known a month set out to help us, even going as far as to pay our phone bill (which ironically enough was paid with the partial check that Morrel got on Wednesday) and people who have been attending church, and who haven't been, and even some that aren't even members of this church pulled together as a family to help my family. 

And when they surprised us

It was beautiful.

We have learned in the short time we've been here that you should expect at least a dozen people to show up when you've been invited somewhere for dinner. So when person after person showed up on Friday evening for dinner and worship, we didn't think anything of it. When the worship message was a study on the loaves and fishes and discussion moved toward giving and the supply multiplying we didn't think anything of it. When Morrel was sent into the house to get a package out of the freezer that had our names on it, he started to wonder what was in store. When we opened the card that held a stack of cash, we never dreamed it held over $1000. And as they told us the story of how this transpired, we had no idea there was a truck-load of goods in the kitchen, right by where we had sat most the night.
This is a church that had just met us, that has struggled to unite in recent months and years, that has taken measures to reclaim lost members. This church displayed the very Thing to us, which will win the hearts of many. It's the Love of Jesus that brought these blessings to us, through 40 wonderful people. It's the Love of Jesus that has caused many families that didn't know us to invite us into their homes in the past few weeks. It's the Love of Jesus that is washing over each heart in this church to make way for Great and Wonderful things to come. Hearts are softening in Casper, Wyoming, and God is working here.

         

Beat this Summer

Did you know you can be overdressed and underdressed at the same time? It's possible. Just look at fashion these days. You just don't get enough fabric for the price you're paying. Last night I saw concert-goer after concert-goer pass before us, each in a fancier dress than the last. It reminded me of prom, except the dresses stopped about 6 inches from the waist instead of brushing the ground. THere I sat wondering if I missed the red carpet on my way in. These girls probably paid top dollar for their dresses, yet very little was covered. So why wear a skimpy and expensive dress to an outdoor concert just to sit in the grass and cover up with a blanket anyway? Makes little sense to me, but then again, not much about the world does. The outrageousness of the night did not stop at the ostentatious attire.

What I Saw:  People-watching at Brad Paisley's Beat this Summer tour - St. Louis 2013
1. A guy that couldn't have been more than 12-13 years old sporting a full beard
2. A guy encouraging and then photographing his girlfriend kiss another girl (classy)
3. A few thousand people raising their cigarettes to the "No Smoking in this Venue" sign
4. A $4.50 bottle of water and a $10.00 cheeseburger!
5. Complete strangers watching each other's stuff, saving each other's place in line, sharing blankets
6.  20,000 people (give or take a few) all cheering for the American flag, and for a tribute to George Jones
7. A whole lot of people getting drunk, but not one fight
8. Kids waist-high all the way to gray-headed seniors singing the same songs at the same time (with not curse words)
9. Couples slow-dancing under the stars
10. Thousands of cars in lines, but no yelling, cursing, or bickering (a little honking)

Lessons Learned:
I don't have to be scantily dressed or inebriated to have a good time. My beloved and I had the best date we've had in awhile. We didn't have to spend a lot of money (except the almost-$20-pretzels). We didn't have to have front-row seats, or a beer in hand. We didn't need anything but each other to have a blast. It's kind of funny. Back when we did those things, drank and carried on, we only needed each other then too. The gray-headed seniors in the amphitheater knew this secret. I'm glad I figured it out. Life is too short to waste one minute on lesser things. We need to always ask ourselves: CAN I DO BETTER? Not "can I perform better" or "can I behave better", but CAN I DO BETTER? Is this worth my time? If you are settling for anything less than your time and energy deserves, then maybe you should do something different.

But I love my husband/wife/significant other, you say. We enjoy each other the way we want. Maybe so, but there is another element to what I'm relaying. Once you get a glimpse of Higher things, you no longer want to lie in the muck. Think about it. Once you have felt God's goodness, you want to breathe goodness to others. So while many around me were drinking and carrying on at the concert, I was wondering if the couple in front of us were getting their butts wet, and if they'd like to borrow our blanket to sit on. I thoroughly enjoyed myself at what was the best concert I've ever been to (maybe it was the fine gentleman I had in tow), but I didn't forget the goodness God has shown me, and how I pray He will visit the same on all those who sat around me. I remember when I was like them. Now I am changed, but I can't forget that we are still alike.

What's the Point?

I was watching a pretty good film today called To Save a Life. It deals with all sorts of issues that people of all ages endure today: suicide, loss, unplanned pregnancy, cutting, drinking, various self-image issues. I wouldn't recommend it to very young audiences (although I did watch it with my 6 year old nephew, but we discussed a lot of what we were seeing, and I think that 'parental guidance' that they recommend is a good idea for most television-watching). All that aside, there is one part of the movie that I particularly like. This kid (I say 'kid', but really the character, Jake, is 18 years old, just got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant, just lost his childhood best friend to suicide, and is currently seeking the Lord--so he may be a 'kid' age-wise, but's dealing with some very adult issues like a pro) is attending a youth group meeting that his girlfriend just left because she felt judged. I'd try to explain the whole scene, but it's easier to use a clip, so enjoy:



The whole movie got me thinking, but this scene in particular got me thinking deeper. Today at church I got very frustrated with myself and my kids. Many things fell into order that left me and my brother alone at church with our children. My three were sitting with me (if you can call it that), and his two were sitting in front of me. He preached and I had other obligations during church service, so we were both up and down from the podium throughout the service, and our kids? They were up and down from their chairs throughout service. Between managing them during the church service, and then managing them while teaching Sabbath School, I was fairly exhausted. When the baby woke up hungry and I had to nurse him I had to throw in the towel and resort to sitting and issuing orders that went seemingly unnoticed.

As I started my car and sat waiting for Mickey to buckle his car seat, I took a moment to reflect. Why did I bother coming to church when I knew it would be like this? It's no surprise. It's always difficult when I'm by myself with the kids. So why don't I just skip church on drill weekends and have a pajama day with my kids?

                        It's because of my heart.
          Yep, my heart is in God's church on Sabbath, no matter where I am.

So in the words of Jake: "What's the point of all this if you're not gonna let this change you?"
You can ask yourself the same question about anything. I ask myself about my work for God. Why toil away at different programs and events if our heart isn't in it? Some people will take on a job because it sounds good, and looks good, and may even feel good, but if their heart isn't in it, it'll always end up being more work, a bigger headache, and essentially a heartache.

"What's the point of all this if you're not gonna let this change you?"

What's the point in coming to church? What's the point in following the rules? What's the point to what can become very monotonous routines if you aren't going to let it change you? But not just it--Jesus. I have been in the race without the clean heart. It is dirty and brutal. I don't want want to return there. I want Jesus to change me through everything I do. That means teaching Sabbath School when I'm overwhelmed, counting to 10 when I'd rather be spanking the behind of one of my kids, or putting all my time, energy, and money into an event or program. What's the point if I don't let Him change me?