Thanks to Netflix online streaming, I have been re-watching all my favorite ABC Family shows I watched years ago. A quote from Make It or Break It caught my attention today. When Peyson Keeler and her family are deciding for or against possibly-career-saving back surgery, her mother asks the surgeon how to have the kind of faith it takes to agree to the surgery. The surgeon says to her something like: you have plenty of faith...that it won't work.
That got me thinking--we all have faith, don't we? We all have faith that things will happen, good or bad. Some people are afraid of heights, driving, germs, the dark, etc. They are afraid because they have faith that things will go wrong. How their lives would be transformed if they would have faith that things will go right! Some people have complete faith in hell, but zero faith in heaven. Where does that faith come from?
Sometimes we need to adjust our focus, don't we? There is nothing worse than going through life fearing and dreading everything that could be magical. Next time I see a person afraid or pessimistic I will have to share this insight with them. Someone try and stop me! The assurance that comes with faith in God is worth sharing!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Baby Food and The Bible
Since I found myself "with child" in December of 2008 with my first little one I have been getting bombarded with recommendations from all sides. Books, television, other moms, my mom, doctors, WIC ladies, lactation consultants, the list goes on and on... The research says that babies should be breastfed for best immunity health--for a year would be good, but 6 months would be GREAT, and if you can't do that, the first week is something to try for. Then there is the issue of formula--so many kinds, so many prices. How long do we do formula (or breast milk), and how do we introduce those other foods? I have heard that introducing cereal before 4 months causes obesity in childhood and adulthood later (actually I've heard this for 3 months, 4 months, 6 months, etc.). I had a pediatrician tell me that if a child is old enough to need cereal, it should not be put in a bottle. Some people skip cereal altogether as well as "baby food" and start with table food (which, ironically enough, I've never really heard anyone "frown" at this).
A person with no children would probably never bother with asking themselves these questions, but I have two children now, and I think more and more about this because my sons are so different. For instance, my oldest son was exclusively breastfed for 6 months, and we slowly introduced vegetables and then fruit week by week, one at the time, he was weaned from the breast at 12 months, and was also off the bottle, and pacifier at that time.
My young son was exclusively breastfed for 2 months, on formula for the rest, started solid food at 6 months (in no real order), and is now on table food at 11 months.
Both of my sons are equally healthy--meeting all the important milestones (also highly recommended from all sides)--so what gives? Is one of my sons going to be smarter, healthier, happier, than the other?
These questions are age-old. In fact, as I noticed today, the issue of babes and food is found in the Bible--and the issue was just as important.
Paul actually discussed this in 1 Corinthians (3:1-3): "And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual people but as to carnal, as to babes in Christ. I fed you with milk and not with solid food; for until now you were not able to receive it, and even now you are still not able ; for you are still carnal. For where there are envy, strife, and divisions among you, are you not carnal and behaving like mere men?"
As a mother, I can totally get this analogy, and Paul is pretty brilliant for picking a comparison that would still be so important centuries later. After thinking about it, I realize that I have been missing this! When we go out as Christians and witness to others about God, we can't start with the things as deep as Sabbath or prophecy. We can't start out with smoking and diet. When we go out and witness to others about God we are to do just that.
Peter puts it similarly: "Therefore, laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking, as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious." Something a lot of people may not know is that infants before the age of 12 months don't need solid food at all. They receive all the essentials from that "pure milk" (breast milk and/or formula).
Following along with Peter and Paul's analogies, what is the "pure milk of the word"? In my opinion, this pure milk is the pure love of Jesus--his ministry and sacrifice. So why is it SO hard to start with this? It seems like we like the "ahh factor". We like to throw out big terms and big issues, and start a dis[argument]cussion. We like to push people, just like it seems we like to push babies to eat too soon/walk too soon/potty train too soon/grow up too soon. Peter and Paul saw this happening centuries ago, and I just figured it out!
[my apologies for the length...there will be a part 2]
A person with no children would probably never bother with asking themselves these questions, but I have two children now, and I think more and more about this because my sons are so different. For instance, my oldest son was exclusively breastfed for 6 months, and we slowly introduced vegetables and then fruit week by week, one at the time, he was weaned from the breast at 12 months, and was also off the bottle, and pacifier at that time.
My young son was exclusively breastfed for 2 months, on formula for the rest, started solid food at 6 months (in no real order), and is now on table food at 11 months.
Both of my sons are equally healthy--meeting all the important milestones (also highly recommended from all sides)--so what gives? Is one of my sons going to be smarter, healthier, happier, than the other?
These questions are age-old. In fact, as I noticed today, the issue of babes and food is found in the Bible--and the issue was just as important.
Paul actually discussed this in 1 Corinthians (3:1-3): "And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual people but as to carnal, as to babes in Christ. I fed you with milk and not with solid food; for until now you were not able to receive it, and even now you are still not able ; for you are still carnal. For where there are envy, strife, and divisions among you, are you not carnal and behaving like mere men?"
As a mother, I can totally get this analogy, and Paul is pretty brilliant for picking a comparison that would still be so important centuries later. After thinking about it, I realize that I have been missing this! When we go out as Christians and witness to others about God, we can't start with the things as deep as Sabbath or prophecy. We can't start out with smoking and diet. When we go out and witness to others about God we are to do just that.
Peter puts it similarly: "Therefore, laying aside all malice, all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and all evil speaking, as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby, if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is gracious." Something a lot of people may not know is that infants before the age of 12 months don't need solid food at all. They receive all the essentials from that "pure milk" (breast milk and/or formula).
Following along with Peter and Paul's analogies, what is the "pure milk of the word"? In my opinion, this pure milk is the pure love of Jesus--his ministry and sacrifice. So why is it SO hard to start with this? It seems like we like the "ahh factor". We like to throw out big terms and big issues, and start a dis[argument]cussion. We like to push people, just like it seems we like to push babies to eat too soon/walk too soon/potty train too soon/grow up too soon. Peter and Paul saw this happening centuries ago, and I just figured it out!
[my apologies for the length...there will be a part 2]
Thursday, April 26, 2012
A GOOD WEEK
It has been on my heart to serve others lately. In service to others, we have an opportunity to LOVE them as Jesus did. What better way is there to minister than the way of Jesus? He wrote the book on love, and I'm ready to read every page and share it with everybody! So this is my story:
Last Thursday, one week ago, we went to McDonald's to get some lunch (unhealthy and CHEAP) and this day we had very little money--I think around $20.
So as we came into the parking lot there was a man holding a sign "On the Road--Anything Will Help". Probably a high percentage of people would drive by, go into McDonald's, order Extra Value Meals, and never give him another thought. Instead, my awesome husband went over and invited him to eat lunch with us. He declined because he had already eaten, but he accepted $2 (which is all Morrel had in his wallet) and a handshake. We ate our Dollar Menu lunch and got our smiling boy a Happy Meal. Blessing #1.
On the same day I went to the bank to change our teams Relay for Life money into money orders. When I got back into my car, I sat and texted someone for a moment, and when I looked up there was a man speaking to me through my window, but I couldn't hear him. I cautiously cracked my window (because of the money order I just got that was still blank), and he asked if I could help him get a taxi to Carbondale (about 7 miles away). He said it's about $17, but he didn't expect that from me, but could I help. He had with him a young girl, about my son's age, in a stroller, in a long sleeve shirt, sweaty, sippy-cup in hand, and crying. He said his car broke down and he couldn't afford it to be fixed, or to have it towed home, so he didn't have a ride home, and his car was at the wrecker lot. Well I didn't ask any questions. He told me everything I needed to know--he needed help, and I had $5 on me. Blessing #2.
After our McDonald's Dollar Menu lunch, the friendly vet, and the man with the baby and stroller, this happy couple had $2 left to our name. We were flat broke, but very happy that we were able to help.
In the last 3 days...
...Someone has GIVEN me a no-strings-attached $100 bill to buy groceries.
...Morrel FOUND a $20 bill on the ground.
...I FOUND a $5 bill on my sons bedroom floor.
...An unexplained $57 was loaded to my Walmart gift card that never left my wallet.
Blessings #3, 4, 5, & 6
Today I had a Relay for Life team meeting in another city--not a nearby city. I started the drive with a 1/2 tank of gas in my truck, not wanting to take the time to stop on my way out of town, but also not wanting to get gas in the other city because it would be $.20 more expensive. Until 3 weeks ago I had taken this same drive 5 days a week for 9 months for my job. I KNOW that I should have been out of gas when I arrived, and would have to get gas before heading home. Instead of getting gas though, I headed for home. With every mile I got more and more anxious, but after 30 miles my fuel gauge needled hadn't moved. Of course I would get home--then I could buy gas for the cheaper price. But when I arrived home after the 65 mile drive home, the needle STILL HADN'T MOVED! Not only did I not have to get gas for $.20 MORE in another city, but I didn't have to get it tonight either! The quarter tank we have will probably last until payday! Blessing #7.
In 7 days God has shown me His glory 7 times--and I had to share!
GOD IS GOOD.
Last Thursday, one week ago, we went to McDonald's to get some lunch (unhealthy and CHEAP) and this day we had very little money--I think around $20.
So as we came into the parking lot there was a man holding a sign "On the Road--Anything Will Help". Probably a high percentage of people would drive by, go into McDonald's, order Extra Value Meals, and never give him another thought. Instead, my awesome husband went over and invited him to eat lunch with us. He declined because he had already eaten, but he accepted $2 (which is all Morrel had in his wallet) and a handshake. We ate our Dollar Menu lunch and got our smiling boy a Happy Meal. Blessing #1.
On the same day I went to the bank to change our teams Relay for Life money into money orders. When I got back into my car, I sat and texted someone for a moment, and when I looked up there was a man speaking to me through my window, but I couldn't hear him. I cautiously cracked my window (because of the money order I just got that was still blank), and he asked if I could help him get a taxi to Carbondale (about 7 miles away). He said it's about $17, but he didn't expect that from me, but could I help. He had with him a young girl, about my son's age, in a stroller, in a long sleeve shirt, sweaty, sippy-cup in hand, and crying. He said his car broke down and he couldn't afford it to be fixed, or to have it towed home, so he didn't have a ride home, and his car was at the wrecker lot. Well I didn't ask any questions. He told me everything I needed to know--he needed help, and I had $5 on me. Blessing #2.
After our McDonald's Dollar Menu lunch, the friendly vet, and the man with the baby and stroller, this happy couple had $2 left to our name. We were flat broke, but very happy that we were able to help.
In the last 3 days...
...Someone has GIVEN me a no-strings-attached $100 bill to buy groceries.
...Morrel FOUND a $20 bill on the ground.
...I FOUND a $5 bill on my sons bedroom floor.
...An unexplained $57 was loaded to my Walmart gift card that never left my wallet.
Blessings #3, 4, 5, & 6
Today I had a Relay for Life team meeting in another city--not a nearby city. I started the drive with a 1/2 tank of gas in my truck, not wanting to take the time to stop on my way out of town, but also not wanting to get gas in the other city because it would be $.20 more expensive. Until 3 weeks ago I had taken this same drive 5 days a week for 9 months for my job. I KNOW that I should have been out of gas when I arrived, and would have to get gas before heading home. Instead of getting gas though, I headed for home. With every mile I got more and more anxious, but after 30 miles my fuel gauge needled hadn't moved. Of course I would get home--then I could buy gas for the cheaper price. But when I arrived home after the 65 mile drive home, the needle STILL HADN'T MOVED! Not only did I not have to get gas for $.20 MORE in another city, but I didn't have to get it tonight either! The quarter tank we have will probably last until payday! Blessing #7.
In 7 days God has shown me His glory 7 times--and I had to share!
GOD IS GOOD.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Bottom Line
I have been a "stay at home mom" for 25 days now, and I feel like I'm making strides in some areas, and taking huge backward steps in others. For instance, my house is the tidiest it has been since I can remember (that is an over-used term, but honestly, it's true). We have de-cluttered every nook and cranny, have started re-modeling, I've stored baby clothes, baby toys, baby books, winter clothes, summer clothes, too-small clothes, rearranged furniture, organized toys, books, clothes, food, dishes, shampoo...
Bottom line: My house looks awesome.
Aside from this sort of house-overhaul, is a spiritual overhaul that has been brewing for quite some time now. I am in the process of learning so much about God and myself as well. I am learning to organize and collect my spiritual clutter just as I did my house clutter. I call it a process of learning because it's not something I "learned". I can't stop myself from learnING more and more. As soon as I learn something, I want to learn something else--dig deeper. I can't help but find books to read, open my Bible while I'm sitting around the house, talk to God about every little thing I come across. I am learning that this really is a relationship I need to work on. Just like I need to work on my marriage every day, I need to work on my relationship with God every day. To be honest I'm surprised I haven't drifted completely away from God as little as I've been interacting with Him lately (at least up until this point). We all know how exciting a new relationship is, and I can't let this slip away.
Bottom line: My view of God looks awesome.
Of course, life is not all sunshine and rainbows. In fact Christian life promises to be sort of an uphill battle, that is why the way is narrow. This is where I run into problems. Times are tough--in the world, in America, and in this wonderful, de-cluttered, organized, and tidy household. We are blessed with all we have, and praise God for it, but it is always tough to give Him praise when times are tough. This is where I struggle, while exceeding my own expectations in other areas. What's funny is that it all goes back to God. How do I know what job is right for us, what budget will work for us, what diet to keep for us? Well, as long as I keep up with God in prayer and study, I don't have to wonder so much about this "little" stuff. He says not to worry about tomorrow (Matt 6:25-33). So, what right do I have to do so?
Bottom line: I've obviously got a lot to learn.
Bottom line: My house looks awesome.
Aside from this sort of house-overhaul, is a spiritual overhaul that has been brewing for quite some time now. I am in the process of learning so much about God and myself as well. I am learning to organize and collect my spiritual clutter just as I did my house clutter. I call it a process of learning because it's not something I "learned". I can't stop myself from learnING more and more. As soon as I learn something, I want to learn something else--dig deeper. I can't help but find books to read, open my Bible while I'm sitting around the house, talk to God about every little thing I come across. I am learning that this really is a relationship I need to work on. Just like I need to work on my marriage every day, I need to work on my relationship with God every day. To be honest I'm surprised I haven't drifted completely away from God as little as I've been interacting with Him lately (at least up until this point). We all know how exciting a new relationship is, and I can't let this slip away.
Bottom line: My view of God looks awesome.
Of course, life is not all sunshine and rainbows. In fact Christian life promises to be sort of an uphill battle, that is why the way is narrow. This is where I run into problems. Times are tough--in the world, in America, and in this wonderful, de-cluttered, organized, and tidy household. We are blessed with all we have, and praise God for it, but it is always tough to give Him praise when times are tough. This is where I struggle, while exceeding my own expectations in other areas. What's funny is that it all goes back to God. How do I know what job is right for us, what budget will work for us, what diet to keep for us? Well, as long as I keep up with God in prayer and study, I don't have to wonder so much about this "little" stuff. He says not to worry about tomorrow (Matt 6:25-33). So, what right do I have to do so?
Bottom line: I've obviously got a lot to learn.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Sometimes It Takes a Two-Way Mirror
As some of you know, my family has been struggling because my husband has been looking for a job, and nothing seems to fit. But this past week God has blessed him with a great-paying job with regular hours and off Sabbath! Of course this is heaven-sent--everything we could ask for. So, he came home from orientation yesterday and wanted to celebrate. He and our son hit the road to good-ole Walmart and returned with orders for me to "stay out of the kitchen until dinner is finished". Well, I'm not one to complain when someone else does the cooking (plus, he is a fabulous cook), so I obey.
When dinner is finished he calls me in and we have some nice pasta and vegetables, dinner rolls, and even French Silk Pie for dessert. To drink he got a bottle of champagne and was very proud to afford even a pretty cheap bottle because we were celebrating.
The dinner was great. We've been remodeling, so we haven't eaten at the dinner table in awhile, but he even cleaned the kitchen up so we could. Everything was very nice, and I even drank some of the champagne (even though it is very strong for my taste).
After dinner we were sitting around and I checked Facebook, only to see that my husband posted something on his status about celebrating his new job with champagne. Automatically my mind went to all the people he is friends with on Facebook that would pass judgement on us for drinking champagne. He didn't even tag me in the post and I was imagining all the comments I would get from people I knew about being so public about drinking champagne. I didn't even stop to notice how thrilled my husband was on his Facebook status about his new job, and spending time with his wife and boys. All I could think of was that someone, somewhere was going to see that and say something, anything, to make me feel "less christian".
Now, I won't get into the obvious--which is that I didn't consider my husband's feelings at all, and actually ended up hurting him by pressuring him to remove his own Facebook status. What is still bothering me one night later is how unhinged I got at the thought of someone seeing me for who I am.
I am a Christian. I love Jesus, and am saved by God's grace and mercy alone, and everything good in my life is from His hand. My husband's job, provided in the nick of time, was a divine intervention from God to keep our family afloat during a tough time, and he even said that in the status that I was so unhinged about. So, why all the fuss?
I think I forgot who I'm trying to be a Christian FOR. We all need a mirror sometimes to inspect ourselves--to see the plank in our own eye (Matthew 7:3). And yes, that mirror is a two-way mirror; it has to be. The world will be watching us all. If you say you are a Christian, standing for God, and have been changed by God, then expect to be watched. There are people in the world that want to see you, want to see what makes you so different, what makes you so "Christian".
But I'm not a Christian for them. I'm not a Christian for my church. I'm not even a Christian for myself. I am a Christian for God. And I can be whoever I want to be on Facebook, but God sees me for who I am.
I guess the moral of this story is, I was wrong. It definitely is not the first time and will not be the last. I was wrong for jumping all over my hubby's back for being honest on Facebook and happy about his job (along with tromping all over his feelings). I was wrong for valuing other people's opinions more than I do God's, and failing to see the big picture. The big picture is pretty clear to me. God gets the glory in our life (1 Cor 10:31). Is alcohol the very best thing to be drinking? Well, no. Probably a non-Christian could tell you that. But, in our kitchen, in our home, and in our life God gets the glory. We are everything we are because of Him. My husband even gave God the glory in his Facebook status, but no one will ever know, because I was so mortified at the mention of champagne that he removed it.
I notice that before I noticed God in his post. And I was certain everyone else would too. I noticed everyone else seeing through my two-way mirror before I realized that God made the mirror, and sees on both sides. Also, when I decided to give my heart to God I was joining a community of people who had also given their hearts to God. We can hold each other accountable, can hold each other up, but our promises are not to other people. Our covenant is with God.
When dinner is finished he calls me in and we have some nice pasta and vegetables, dinner rolls, and even French Silk Pie for dessert. To drink he got a bottle of champagne and was very proud to afford even a pretty cheap bottle because we were celebrating.
The dinner was great. We've been remodeling, so we haven't eaten at the dinner table in awhile, but he even cleaned the kitchen up so we could. Everything was very nice, and I even drank some of the champagne (even though it is very strong for my taste).
After dinner we were sitting around and I checked Facebook, only to see that my husband posted something on his status about celebrating his new job with champagne. Automatically my mind went to all the people he is friends with on Facebook that would pass judgement on us for drinking champagne. He didn't even tag me in the post and I was imagining all the comments I would get from people I knew about being so public about drinking champagne. I didn't even stop to notice how thrilled my husband was on his Facebook status about his new job, and spending time with his wife and boys. All I could think of was that someone, somewhere was going to see that and say something, anything, to make me feel "less christian".
Now, I won't get into the obvious--which is that I didn't consider my husband's feelings at all, and actually ended up hurting him by pressuring him to remove his own Facebook status. What is still bothering me one night later is how unhinged I got at the thought of someone seeing me for who I am.
I am a Christian. I love Jesus, and am saved by God's grace and mercy alone, and everything good in my life is from His hand. My husband's job, provided in the nick of time, was a divine intervention from God to keep our family afloat during a tough time, and he even said that in the status that I was so unhinged about. So, why all the fuss?
I think I forgot who I'm trying to be a Christian FOR. We all need a mirror sometimes to inspect ourselves--to see the plank in our own eye (Matthew 7:3). And yes, that mirror is a two-way mirror; it has to be. The world will be watching us all. If you say you are a Christian, standing for God, and have been changed by God, then expect to be watched. There are people in the world that want to see you, want to see what makes you so different, what makes you so "Christian".
But I'm not a Christian for them. I'm not a Christian for my church. I'm not even a Christian for myself. I am a Christian for God. And I can be whoever I want to be on Facebook, but God sees me for who I am.
I guess the moral of this story is, I was wrong. It definitely is not the first time and will not be the last. I was wrong for jumping all over my hubby's back for being honest on Facebook and happy about his job (along with tromping all over his feelings). I was wrong for valuing other people's opinions more than I do God's, and failing to see the big picture. The big picture is pretty clear to me. God gets the glory in our life (1 Cor 10:31). Is alcohol the very best thing to be drinking? Well, no. Probably a non-Christian could tell you that. But, in our kitchen, in our home, and in our life God gets the glory. We are everything we are because of Him. My husband even gave God the glory in his Facebook status, but no one will ever know, because I was so mortified at the mention of champagne that he removed it.
I notice that before I noticed God in his post. And I was certain everyone else would too. I noticed everyone else seeing through my two-way mirror before I realized that God made the mirror, and sees on both sides. Also, when I decided to give my heart to God I was joining a community of people who had also given their hearts to God. We can hold each other accountable, can hold each other up, but our promises are not to other people. Our covenant is with God.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Embracing This Season
It is February 7th and most of the country is having considerably mild weather. We, for instance, today was t-shirt weather, like so many other days this week. It is odd; it may be striking the farmers with fear of a harsh Spring; it is confusing the birds into staying, and being caught in small snow showers. I have heard talk of El Nino, or La Nina, global warming, the list is endless. But one thing that is striking to me about this odd weather is that people don't seem to mind. I don't see people wearing their snow suits and mittens. I don't see them building "snow" men out of mud on the side walk. I don't see anyone packing up to move to Canada to catch some winter weather. It seems like everyone (at least here in Southeast Missouri) is embracing this unseasonable weather. Kids are outside on their bikes, wearing jeans and t-shirts. Parks are full of families playing, Happy Meals on the nearest picnic table. No one is too upset about the sweaters staying in the closet.
So here I am, trying to embrace this season of my life. Not the warm weather, cool nights, flip-flops and sunglasses season. I am ready to embrace this season of my life. It seems that every season has a purpose, every chapter of my life thus far has had a clear intro, body, and conclusion--fantastic images, similes here and there, quotations from the best books and wise souls who've helped shape me. This one has been kind of like 60 degree weather in February. When I want to stay home with my children I am working. When I want to wake up early to run, I am too tired. When I finally have a passion for community and church service, I don't have time. When I want a(nother) baby, I can't have one, or keep one. It seems like the trick to making this season mine, is to do just that. I am ready to wear shorts on the warm days. I am ready for this season of life to be mine (and my husband's and my two wonderful sons'). We deserve to enjoy this little life we have been blessed with.
Since I am working, and will be working for the time being, I should do a truly awesome job. Not only should I do a truly awesome job at work, but also at home, where it matters a little more. Since I am tired in the mornings, maybe I should go to bed earlier, or maybe run later in the day. If I am passionate for church or community work, I should watch less TV, or pick things that can fit perfectly into my life--because after all, it is mine. No one has told me what to do with it. The weather has changed, but I have a wardrobe full of possibilities.
So here I am, trying to embrace this season of my life. Not the warm weather, cool nights, flip-flops and sunglasses season. I am ready to embrace this season of my life. It seems that every season has a purpose, every chapter of my life thus far has had a clear intro, body, and conclusion--fantastic images, similes here and there, quotations from the best books and wise souls who've helped shape me. This one has been kind of like 60 degree weather in February. When I want to stay home with my children I am working. When I want to wake up early to run, I am too tired. When I finally have a passion for community and church service, I don't have time. When I want a(nother) baby, I can't have one, or keep one. It seems like the trick to making this season mine, is to do just that. I am ready to wear shorts on the warm days. I am ready for this season of life to be mine (and my husband's and my two wonderful sons'). We deserve to enjoy this little life we have been blessed with.
Since I am working, and will be working for the time being, I should do a truly awesome job. Not only should I do a truly awesome job at work, but also at home, where it matters a little more. Since I am tired in the mornings, maybe I should go to bed earlier, or maybe run later in the day. If I am passionate for church or community work, I should watch less TV, or pick things that can fit perfectly into my life--because after all, it is mine. No one has told me what to do with it. The weather has changed, but I have a wardrobe full of possibilities.
Rereading Dreamland
For awhile now I've been trying to finish writing a ya novel that I started years ago. It is a problem novel about an abusive teen relationship. I've had problems getting into, so I decided to re-read my favorite Sarah Dessen book, Dreamland, which is also about an abusive teen relationship. When I was in high school and read it, it made me feel happy, that anyone else in the world could read it and possibly know all my secrets, without really knowing they were mine.
Well, I finished reading it last night, and was not ready for what I felt. As it turns out, I am much happier forgetting what it was like back then. In the book, Caitlyn, who tries everything to be something different than anyone expects, ends up in the arms of a "bad boy" who deals drugs and beats her up. Now, I didn't get beat up. I didn't even get hit, really, at least until much later--when it was much too late to make any real changes. But things that happened to Caitlyn hit way too close to home, and I don't know why I was so surprised at how I felt when reading them.
For instance, rushing through a crowd, maybe school, to get to him before he had to wait a minute. Never going anywhere, afraid he would come, and wait, growing angry, and then find me. Shutting out all the friends that would let me, knowing if they got close they would know something was wrong, and then when that one friend finally wouldn't take no for an answer and "kidnapped" me, the fear, the constant dialing, wishing he would pick up. Then after I sat crying on her living room floor as time ticked away, his exhaust rumbled in the driveway. He always found me. And once again, I let him drag me away from a life I missed desperately.
I remember, like Caitlyn, being terrified of other men talking to me--at church, school, on the phone, even wrong numbers. How class was the safest place I could be. He would never find me in class, never interested enough to figure out my schedule or the buildings on the big college campus. Maybe that's why I did so well in school, knowing that as long as I was in college, I'd have those classrooms with the thick wooden doors that he'd never open to find me.
I remember when guys from my classes would see me at the gas station or grocery store. Even if it was just a "Hi, this must be your husband", that was enough to make me dread the long walk across the parking lot to our car, he refusing to hold my hand, jaw set, cursing under his breath. Then when the doors closed would lay into me "So, what have you told people about me?...How many times have you f*cked that guy?...I wish I knew what kind of (insert the worse female curse) you'd turn out to be before I married you." Usually that was enough. He liked to just make me feel small, and helpless. Other times he would throw things, big or small, leaving bruises that he said were accidents because I "should've gotten out of the way" and they were my fault anyway, because I made him do those things.
The worst part of reading Dreamland was remembering the fierce protection I had for him over myself. Wanting to hide his flaws, hoping no one would see, praying that everyone could still believe I was some semblance of what I was before. Even after we finally split up, I missed him the way Caitlyn missed Rogerson, and had to go to a "shrink" to put me back together.
Obviously I don't miss him now, or that life, but I am having trouble deciding if reading the book again was a good or bad idea. I probably won't read it again, ever. I really hope young girls don't pick it up and have the feelings I did while reading it. Even though I do know there are young girls out there that have fallen in love with that "bad boy", and that learn the wrong ways to love before they even learn what love should be. Mostly, it makes me really sad, and I'm glad that someone thought to write a book about it. It's all well and good to read a love story and fantasize about what life could be, but it's altogether different to read a love story that's your story and know that just maybe another person on the planet has gone through it.
Not sure what the point is I'm trying to make, other than the obvious--I needed to say all this. I don't think I have before. And there's still a lot I haven't ever said, but my story hasn't been told yet.
Well, I finished reading it last night, and was not ready for what I felt. As it turns out, I am much happier forgetting what it was like back then. In the book, Caitlyn, who tries everything to be something different than anyone expects, ends up in the arms of a "bad boy" who deals drugs and beats her up. Now, I didn't get beat up. I didn't even get hit, really, at least until much later--when it was much too late to make any real changes. But things that happened to Caitlyn hit way too close to home, and I don't know why I was so surprised at how I felt when reading them.
For instance, rushing through a crowd, maybe school, to get to him before he had to wait a minute. Never going anywhere, afraid he would come, and wait, growing angry, and then find me. Shutting out all the friends that would let me, knowing if they got close they would know something was wrong, and then when that one friend finally wouldn't take no for an answer and "kidnapped" me, the fear, the constant dialing, wishing he would pick up. Then after I sat crying on her living room floor as time ticked away, his exhaust rumbled in the driveway. He always found me. And once again, I let him drag me away from a life I missed desperately.
I remember, like Caitlyn, being terrified of other men talking to me--at church, school, on the phone, even wrong numbers. How class was the safest place I could be. He would never find me in class, never interested enough to figure out my schedule or the buildings on the big college campus. Maybe that's why I did so well in school, knowing that as long as I was in college, I'd have those classrooms with the thick wooden doors that he'd never open to find me.
I remember when guys from my classes would see me at the gas station or grocery store. Even if it was just a "Hi, this must be your husband", that was enough to make me dread the long walk across the parking lot to our car, he refusing to hold my hand, jaw set, cursing under his breath. Then when the doors closed would lay into me "So, what have you told people about me?...How many times have you f*cked that guy?...I wish I knew what kind of (insert the worse female curse) you'd turn out to be before I married you." Usually that was enough. He liked to just make me feel small, and helpless. Other times he would throw things, big or small, leaving bruises that he said were accidents because I "should've gotten out of the way" and they were my fault anyway, because I made him do those things.
The worst part of reading Dreamland was remembering the fierce protection I had for him over myself. Wanting to hide his flaws, hoping no one would see, praying that everyone could still believe I was some semblance of what I was before. Even after we finally split up, I missed him the way Caitlyn missed Rogerson, and had to go to a "shrink" to put me back together.
Obviously I don't miss him now, or that life, but I am having trouble deciding if reading the book again was a good or bad idea. I probably won't read it again, ever. I really hope young girls don't pick it up and have the feelings I did while reading it. Even though I do know there are young girls out there that have fallen in love with that "bad boy", and that learn the wrong ways to love before they even learn what love should be. Mostly, it makes me really sad, and I'm glad that someone thought to write a book about it. It's all well and good to read a love story and fantasize about what life could be, but it's altogether different to read a love story that's your story and know that just maybe another person on the planet has gone through it.
Not sure what the point is I'm trying to make, other than the obvious--I needed to say all this. I don't think I have before. And there's still a lot I haven't ever said, but my story hasn't been told yet.
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