Light Bulb

I am a woman.  By nature I am a feelings-oriented person.  That does not mean I am only feelings-oriented, or that my feelings outweigh my logic or common-sense.  It only means that I have emotions--they run deep and they are sometimes strong.  My past plays a large role in my emotions.  It shouldn't, but it does.  

Right now my emotions are getting me into trouble.  My husband, who is amazing and wants to only do right by me and our boys, who wants to take his place as the head of our household--the King of Our Castle.  I am having trouble with this because I'm a woman.  I'm sorry to have to play the gender card, but that is my problem. 

Female.
       Woman.

   Girl.
             Lady.
     Wife.
Mom.

I'm not sure men quite understand how much weight comes with the title of "woman", how much pressure can come with the job.  Sorry, jobs.  

First there are the two first and most important jobs--those created for woman, those woman were created for.  God created woman to be a companion, a help meet, to her husband.  He also created her to "be fruitful and multiply".  Yes, that job was given to both man and woman, but without the woman, it would be impossible.  God had a plan and it started with creating a partnership that put man at the top.  Perfect world, yes?

No.

Then Satan happened, the serpent, the fruit, Eve partaking of the forbidden fruit, sharing with Adam, and finally getting hurled out of the garden (figuratively speaking). 

Perfect world, gone.

Then began the  punishment--Eve would have painful childbirth (which many of us have experienced), and not only would remain the lesser equal in the partnership of marriage, but would seek to be like her husband.  Eve would forever be under the rule, care, and protection of her partner, yet always seeking more, wanting more.  Thank you, Eve.  

I am now stuck in this nightmare called "leaving Eden" and I feel like I am constantly restarting my journey into being the kind of wife that I picture Eve was, walking hand-in-hand with Adam, eyes downcast, whispering her apologies in between tearful kisses, holding the hands of small children.  


I want to be someone my husband is proud of

It Is Amazing What Can Happen...

When I put the laptop DOWN, turn the television OFF, and utlize my Pandora Iphone app instead of Facebook. I feel very accomplished this evening. I have needed to get SOMETHING done in this house.

This is my awesome living room NOW:

This is BEFORE:

And now to relax.  My back hurts!

7 Days In

7 days into the fast, and I am down 4 pounds.
I am sick, very sick--my body's way of cleaning out all the junk I've been eating for the past 25 years.
I am glad to have a day off today, but haven't gotten much cleaning done...or relaxing.


I have writer's block today, so maybe I'll try again in a few.

Today's the day

Today must be the day during the fast that I completely lose it.  This feeling of doom and brokenness caught me by surprise, I must say.  I have been feeling really good about the fast, about our devotions we've been having together, about our prayers, and life in general.  I should have known that that was too easy...
So when we were at the sunset service this evening, and everyone else was sharing stories about how they've been blessed this week, all I could share was that we are struggling.  I have to admit, I don't know where God is going with this.  I can't make sense of making us struggle like this.  I mean, we struggled as kids, so I guess I don't see why it's fair for God to make us struggle while trying to provide for our kids.  I have been crying and feeling sorry for myself all this evening--even yelling at my husband about how his mom should have taught him better in home schooling, or made him go to public school.  I yelled about how God knew that he could have had better now, had she done better as a mom then.  It's never going to do any good yelling about things of the past though, is it?



I have calmed down slightly, and we have prayed and given this all to God.  This is probably not the end of our struggles, nor is it the end of my disappointments, but it will be the end of my worries.  I don't have to worry about this life, because I have a home in the next, right?


I pray that I can stick with this.  I pray I am as strong that God thinks I am.

DAY FOUR

Today is day 4 of our 21 day fast at Peace Point Chapel and I am feeling really good about what's to come. My prayer is to know my place in my family and this world. I want to be able to stay home with my boys, as a mother should, and take care of my home and my husband, as a wife should. I want to spend my time teaching my kids how to be strong young men, how to treat a lady, how to love, and learn. What I want and what God wants for me may not be exactly the same. That's what my journey is about. I am taking this 21 days to open my eyes to what God has in store for me. I will keep the updates coming.