Mom's Night Out

To celebrate Mother's Day today, I went to see Mom's Night Out, a brand new movie by Provident Films, with some friends. My one word review is: awesome. Unfortunately that just doesn't do it justice.

For a mom of three to get out for two hours, spend $20, and watch a movie it takes a lot of planning, and coaxing (most moms would feel guilty for leaving the kids). So today's treat was a big deal, and I have to share it in more than one word--or a few.

First, the main character is a "mommy blogger" (like me), and though she has a small following (of 3) she feels she is a failure when she hits writer's block. It's at the same time that she also feels a failure as a mom, because, let's face it, she's unhappy. And we know that all stay-at-home-moms should be happy, right? I mean, we get to stay home with our kids all day (something most working moms would kill for). We get control over what they eat, what they learn (at least if we're homeschooling), how they're disciplined, we get to take a break in front of the TV whenever we want, right? Well, this Super-Mommy-Blogger, Allyson, did take a break. Actually her husband, Sean, came home to find her hiding inside her closet with a laptop and an empty bag of chocolate (yes, empty). She wasn't watching a soap opera or reality TV--she was watching a live cam of a mother eagle caring for her young. She was transfixed by this creature, who was so calm and peaceful while being a mom.

While in the closet I couldn't help but notice the size of her closet (she had a walk-in closet), and then she draws attention to a very nice pair of heels (which she hasn't worn in two years). So, you may ask: what is there to be unhappy about? She has a nice house, a walk-in closet, nice clothes, a loving husband, and children that some women try and fail to conceive. I have to point out that a big closet is nice, but if you don't have a reason to wear your nice clothes, what is the point? If you have a loving husband that you can't spend time with because you have a preschooler sleeping in your bed what's the point? If you have beautiful children, but don't have time to look at their faces when they talk, then you're missing out on more than you know!

The reason Allyson's story moved me so, is because it's my story. The pressure on moms to perform is strong and comes from all angles. Not only are we to perform well, but also happily. If we have a breadwinner that provides all of our resources, and 24 hours in each day to get everything finished that we need to, we should do it all with a smile on our face. I mean, we chose this life didn't we?

Several times in Mom's Night Out, I had that moment when I watched this woman say the things I've kept hidden in my heart. When she tells her husband that what she wanted to do when she grew up was "be a mom" and now she is one, and yet she's unhappy I watched along with 100 other people, but my heart broke (because I've felt that way too). How do you reconsile the life you have to the one you envisioned all along when you were dreaming it up? How do you try and explain to your husband that you're unhappy, but you really don't know what to change, because you really wouldn't change a thing?

Allyson tries to make a change. She plans a mom's night out, which becomes a terrible mess in the beginning, and just gets worse from there. But in the end it turns out kind of wonderful. They find all the kids, get everyone out of jail, relationship between friend and friend's rebellious, teenage daughter is reconciled, and they even find out that the "man-child" is responsible enough to take care of a couple of kids, and the cab driver even remains a friend.

In the end, the mother realizes that her job is important, and sometimes hard, and sometimes easy, but always worth it (that's when I cried).

There are many reasons why I loved this movie. First, it told my story and didn't leave out any dirty details. I don't know a mom who hasn't had a total meltdown, and if a mother tells me she never has, I'm not sure I believer her. Secondly, the movie was produced by a faith-based film company, and doesn't stress the media-driven "perfect mother" that seems to be the popular norm. It also didn't focus on the traditional image of the church and the perfect (or even functional) relationship with other Christians or even Jesus. I like this because the truth is that mothers have a different kind of experience at church than most people might (as displayed in the film, when the main character shows up late, and then misses half the service due to motherly duties). A lot of time mothers understand the love of God through others or through their own families.

Also, when push comes to shove, and when it comes between taking care of ourselves or taking care of our kids and home, we will always choose our kids, husband, and home first. Mom's don't often shop for themselves, take time for themselves, or study the Bible, attend church, or even pray for themselves. It's just like what Sean explains to her in the movie: in airplanes we are told to put our oxygen mask on first--get our oxygen on before taking care of others. We cannot take care of our family until we first take care of ourselves. We cannot teach our children to love God, if we don't first love Him ourselves. That means building a relationship with God--not just loving him.

A lot goes into loving who you are and what you've become. Allyson was first and foremost a woman. She wanted to be a mom, so she became one. She wanted to be a wife, so she married. She wanted to homeschool, live a Christian life, and blog about it, so she did. She did what she wanted to, but never did what she needed to do. She needed time to herself, to take the pressure off, and to cultivate an identity on her own.

Sometimes (a lot of times) I feel like the only identity I have is wrapped up in my kids. This is a lie from the devil. I exist, first for God. He created Adam and Eve to first be with Him, then to be with each other, and then to multiply. Being parents is a wonderful gift and experience, but it is a perk of the much bigger company we keep (God's company). He made us mothers, after all, and I bet it breaks His heart to see it hurting us. When being a mother hurts me, it means I need to make a change. I'm so glad that this movie reminded me of that. Not only that, but a movie theater in Casper, Wyoming was full of people who were reminded of that. Theaters across the country were filled with men, women, and children who saw the vulnerability of a mother and it was beautiful.

When Facebook Becomes Unfriendly

What do you do when your non-Christian friends are nicer than your Christian ones? 

Sometimes (especially on Facebook), it seems like the non-Christian or "unchurched" or "non-attending" are more pleasant, more understanding, and kinder than those who you sit next to in church every week! 

If you find yourself defending your behavior, your doctrines, and your lifestyle on Facebook, it's safe to assume that perhaps you have less "friends" than you think on the social media website. 

I don't know about you, but when I post something on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram I do so for one of a few reasons: to share what's important to me, to share frustrations of mine, or to get advice. Usually it is fairly clear what the point of my posts are. If I want advice I will usually ask. If I want to share an experience I will most likely post a picture to accompany my post. If I'm frustrated...my friends know. It is in my tone. 

So when I post a happy exclamation about an experience with my family, maybe with a photo attached, I do so to share it with family and friends. I do so in order to broaden the experience. I want my "friends" to be happy alongside me. I want my children to know that the experience meant something to me. And also, let's face it. 

I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I have exactly 2 hours of uninterrupted time on a good day. That's the time I have to make calls, pay bills, return emails, write, etc. Basically my day revolves around nap time--planning for my most productive hours to fall in that time, and scheduling everything else so that we're at home for nap time. It's really exhausting, and I have little time for socializing. 

For this reason, Facebook is a big outlet for me to vent, share, and aspire. But, when I log on and notifications are full of comments of judgements and prejudices, my heart sinks. When my newsfeed is full of my fellow Christian brothers and sisters complaining about the "heathens" of the world my heart breaks. I wonder, who sees these things? Who is their audience? 

If I'm the audience, then this online behavior just makes me question the humanity of fellow Christians. And if the "unchurched" is the audience, they see Christians as demeaning and judgmental. 

Much of the time we post a status, or a retort on someone else's status without thinking of the audience. The truth is that we can have one bad day, and when we "friend" a new person they will search backward and see that one bad day when we said something awful about our neighbor taking our parking space, our church deacon taking his children trick-or-treating (gasp!), or the new couple who came to church with sleeve tattoos. 
Our audience is bigger than we can ever imagine. 

Think about this: with Facebook you have an opportunity to effect hundreds (maybe thousands) of people. You don't have any control over how they will interpret your activities online, so you may have hundreds (or thousands) of people out there who have been hurt, offended, or who may agree and share it with their friends who may be hurt or offended. We never know. What we do know it that the odds of a real life interaction being misinterpreted is fairly slim. Body language, tone, and verbal interaction combines to make an inevitable connection. And you have control over it. 

Consider the possibilities. You can wreak havoc on the internet, or you can make a real life connection with a real life to it. You can be more understood, and more understanding. You can change someone for the better, and it might be you. 

When I grew up there was a saying "A picture is worth a thousand words". 

Well I do not agree with this statement anymore. Over the last decade nearly every person has gotten a digital camera to keep in their pocket. Photos are taken at nearly every instant of life. Photos can be manipulated in such a fashion that the images depicted don't even have to be present to photograph. The fact of the matter is, the pictures are not worth much anymore. I see pictures of my nieces and nephews fairly often, but if I had them here with me to even speak 500 words with me, I'd trade it for all the pictures in the world. Nothing can replace a real life connection. Nothing can replace hearing my kids talk to me (even when they're so frustrating and repetitive). 

I heard a study on the radio not to long ago that said a phone call with a loved one releases the same endorphins as receiving a hug. 

How long has it been since you spoke with a loved one on the phone? Texting, MessageMe, Facebook IMing do not count. Do you know your loved ones' phone numbers? When is the last time you dialed them? 

There is a lot of press swirling around the internet about putting down our phones and enjoying the people around you. That is an encouragement, but not very many are making a change--myself included. Until this week. Everyday for three days I have talked to someone I love on the phone. Sometimes I don't have much time, but I dial anyway and talk for a few minutes. Sometimes my kids are screaming in my ear while I'm trying to talk, but that's okay. The people I love know that I made an effort. They also know what my life is like because they hear my life through the phone line. 

I hope you can do the same. Find something to do, and follow through to make your real life more real for you and those you love--because, let's face it, your real life is all you'll have left someday. You don't often see the little old ladies in the nursing homes Instagramming their knitting circle. No. They have to make friends with their neighbors, roommates, and staff. Don't wait until it's too late, because just like everything else, you can forget how to talk to people if you don't make it a priority. 

Why I left the "Secret" Mommy Group

Are Secrets Safe on the Internet?

Several months ago a friend of mine asked me if I'd be interested in joining a group of women in a secret Facebook group. The group is secret and private, meaning you have to be added, and the group isn't visible in search boxes. 

Well, of course I wanted to be a part of this group of mothers (mostly on the younger to middle aged side), mostly Adventist (but not exclusively), and confidential (so no judgement or ridicule from "IRL" friends). 

So what do we do in a secret group, you may ask? I can't speak for everyone, but I can call it like I see it. Mostly this very large group of women bragged about their kids and their life (which is awesome and would be nice to see more often on the not-so-secret pages of social media). Others complained about their kids and their life. Some posted pictures of their kids and their life. Still a whole multitude asked questions--questions about health: rashes, fevers, stool color and consistency, etc. Questions were asked about relationships, church, employment. All the questions asked could be answered with one search on Web MD, Google, etc. So what's the difference? It's easy to use a search engine. Then you aren't notified every second-and-a-half that "so-and-so commented on your post in such-and-such". Also, if you use a search engine you are more likely to get the opinion of a reputable source rather than 75 random women strewn across the country or the globe. 

So, why does this secret mommy group have over 1300 members and is still growing?

It is the premise of confidentiality and secrecy that makes these women comfortable asking, sharing, and commenting in this group. It is the idea that no one will ever know, and no one will ever share what is said there. 

What Happens in Vegas...

The old saying "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" is no longer true and cannot be true. Why? 

Today's technology of time stamps and "location services" embedded into cell phones, apps, email, computers, and vehicles makes it impossible to stay under the radar. It seems that everyone may not know what you're doing or where you are, but if someone wants to know, they can find out fairly easily.

It isn't just GPS and time stamps, though. When you post a photo onto the internet or send it with a cell phone, it is forever in the online world. Once there, it can be hacked, manipulated, and shared with the masses. 

But, I've never Shared Anything Bad!

A breastfeeding photo without a baby in it eating is just that. A breast photo. How easy is it to crop out a baby? It is extremely easy to crop a baby out of a breastfeeding photo. No, I haven't done it, but I've edited enough photos to know that someone else can crop out a baby and leave the goodies to look at and share. 

An innocent photo of a baby in the bathtub can be manipulated as well. If you don't think it can, you are naive and in danger. Also, it is time to realize that not only "mommies" can create a profile with a female name, slap a maternity or baby photo on the profile picture, and be added to a secret group. 

You haven't shared anything bad? Have you ever shown your bra strap in a photo? According to the Modesty Survey 40.3% of people surveyed agree that this is a stumbling block for the opposite sex. And that's if we're assuming none of the moms in the group are lesbians! How do you think you would feel if you truly knew what goes through the minds of every person in the group when they see the photos you post of yourself or your children?

The Double Standard

I recently removed myself from the "secret" mommy group because a few weeks ago I added my husband to my Facebook profile. It's a growing trend, you know, sharing everything with your spouse or significant other--especially online stuff that can cause issues in even a good marriage. So more and more people are sharing Facebook accounts for whatever reason. 

All of the sudden, a couple moms in the "secret" mommy group have a problem with it. What are they afraid of? The majority I heard is that they don't want husbands seeing their breastfeeding photos! As I stated above how grossly this argument is flawed, there is also the probability that someday we will get tired of Facebook and it will lose money, resulting in it's sale to the government or a private buyer (who will then own every photo, status update, video, etc ever shared with the exact time and location). Oh, you think that the privacy policy will apply to it once it belongs to someone else? Sorry, you'd be wrong. 
Then there's the issue mentioned above. Who says my husband accidentally seeing a breastfeeding photo is worse than the other people seeing the photos (you know, the 1300+ random strange women who are also in the group). 

I can assure you that my husband couldn't care less about the goings-on of the "secret" mommy group, but if you're afraid your husband will seek out photos of breasts online, there are plenty of other places to find them. Perhaps you should get off the internet and have a conversation with him. 

In Real Life

In real life there is this crazy thing called "support" that happens without a keyboard, a profile, or a "secret" group. In real life this support comes in the form of friends, family, and church. In real life you don't have to keep secrets, because not everything is recorded, not everything is public (online everything is public, secret or not), and not everything is for sale. In real life you can pick up the phone or drive to a friend's house and have a confidential talk. Being afraid of my husband (who rarely uses our joint Facebook account) seeing your breastfeeding photo is equivalent to me refusing to nurse my baby at my friends house just in case her husband comes home. There's something called discretion. If I think someone's coming over who shouldn't see my breasts, I cover up! It's the newest rage. I'd rather my "real life" friends see me breastfeed my kid than 1300 strange women anyway. 

In real life I don't have to worry about my husband seeking out breasts to look at, because he sees mine enough for free (pull your jaw back up, you were all thinking the same thing already). In real life I have friends that don't care that I'm married and have a very faithful and open communication with my husband. 

Do I divulge the secrets? No. Would I show my husband breastfeeding pictures on the "secret" mommy group? No. My integrity is 100% the same online and "in real life". Can you say that? Can you say it for all 1300+ members of your "secret" group? I'd say if you can't speak for the integrity of the people you're sharing your secrets with, or the people on your Facebook friends for that matter, then you need to try real life out. Go outside (gasp!) and knock on your next-door-neighbor's house. Offer your hand for a human, physical connection, and invite them over to dinner or to talk. If it's a man, and you're a woman, invite them for cookies and coffee on your porch, invite another person to make it more appropriate, or just don't worry about it! If you're not trying to show him  your breasts, and you keep the meeting public it may be okay! You may even make a friend. You may be able to minister. You may just start an epidemic on your street! Maybe instead of "secret" support groups,  you'll spear head an annual block barbeque (yes, those used to happen when people weren't afraid to meet their neighbors). 

High Drama Mama(s)

Did I enjoy being a part of the "secret" mommy group? Yes. But that doesn't mean that all this drama hasn't made me realize just how much drama goes on there! When you can sit behind a keyboard it is so easy to drop inhibitions and say/do/share things you wouldn't ordinarily. Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings and a lot of drama. When you believe that everything is private and confidential and "secret" you sometimes forget that maybe some people in the group know you in real life! Maybe you would even talk about them and just confuse "secret" with "no judgement". Believe it or not, when you say something online, people can be hurt "in real life". It happens. The people behind the screen are real-life people with beating hearts who think and feel. When you want to rant about your kids being horrible, someone reading your post may have just lost a baby. When you rant about your husband forgetting to take out the trash, someone in the group may have just been widowed. When you rant about politics, family, church, etc someone in the group of 1300+ people will be touched in a good way or a bad. 

Don't you want all your connections to be good? Don't you want it to be a good experience knowing you? 

If you just place a little more value in your "in real life", it may surprise you how much it will affect your online life. 

And when you realize that people in real life want to connect with you, it will work wonders for your soul! You are worth more than a number in a Facebook group or a ((hug)) in a comment box. You can have a real hug. I promise you that.