Why I left the "Secret" Mommy Group

Are Secrets Safe on the Internet?

Several months ago a friend of mine asked me if I'd be interested in joining a group of women in a secret Facebook group. The group is secret and private, meaning you have to be added, and the group isn't visible in search boxes. 

Well, of course I wanted to be a part of this group of mothers (mostly on the younger to middle aged side), mostly Adventist (but not exclusively), and confidential (so no judgement or ridicule from "IRL" friends). 

So what do we do in a secret group, you may ask? I can't speak for everyone, but I can call it like I see it. Mostly this very large group of women bragged about their kids and their life (which is awesome and would be nice to see more often on the not-so-secret pages of social media). Others complained about their kids and their life. Some posted pictures of their kids and their life. Still a whole multitude asked questions--questions about health: rashes, fevers, stool color and consistency, etc. Questions were asked about relationships, church, employment. All the questions asked could be answered with one search on Web MD, Google, etc. So what's the difference? It's easy to use a search engine. Then you aren't notified every second-and-a-half that "so-and-so commented on your post in such-and-such". Also, if you use a search engine you are more likely to get the opinion of a reputable source rather than 75 random women strewn across the country or the globe. 

So, why does this secret mommy group have over 1300 members and is still growing?

It is the premise of confidentiality and secrecy that makes these women comfortable asking, sharing, and commenting in this group. It is the idea that no one will ever know, and no one will ever share what is said there. 

What Happens in Vegas...

The old saying "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" is no longer true and cannot be true. Why? 

Today's technology of time stamps and "location services" embedded into cell phones, apps, email, computers, and vehicles makes it impossible to stay under the radar. It seems that everyone may not know what you're doing or where you are, but if someone wants to know, they can find out fairly easily.

It isn't just GPS and time stamps, though. When you post a photo onto the internet or send it with a cell phone, it is forever in the online world. Once there, it can be hacked, manipulated, and shared with the masses. 

But, I've never Shared Anything Bad!

A breastfeeding photo without a baby in it eating is just that. A breast photo. How easy is it to crop out a baby? It is extremely easy to crop a baby out of a breastfeeding photo. No, I haven't done it, but I've edited enough photos to know that someone else can crop out a baby and leave the goodies to look at and share. 

An innocent photo of a baby in the bathtub can be manipulated as well. If you don't think it can, you are naive and in danger. Also, it is time to realize that not only "mommies" can create a profile with a female name, slap a maternity or baby photo on the profile picture, and be added to a secret group. 

You haven't shared anything bad? Have you ever shown your bra strap in a photo? According to the Modesty Survey 40.3% of people surveyed agree that this is a stumbling block for the opposite sex. And that's if we're assuming none of the moms in the group are lesbians! How do you think you would feel if you truly knew what goes through the minds of every person in the group when they see the photos you post of yourself or your children?

The Double Standard

I recently removed myself from the "secret" mommy group because a few weeks ago I added my husband to my Facebook profile. It's a growing trend, you know, sharing everything with your spouse or significant other--especially online stuff that can cause issues in even a good marriage. So more and more people are sharing Facebook accounts for whatever reason. 

All of the sudden, a couple moms in the "secret" mommy group have a problem with it. What are they afraid of? The majority I heard is that they don't want husbands seeing their breastfeeding photos! As I stated above how grossly this argument is flawed, there is also the probability that someday we will get tired of Facebook and it will lose money, resulting in it's sale to the government or a private buyer (who will then own every photo, status update, video, etc ever shared with the exact time and location). Oh, you think that the privacy policy will apply to it once it belongs to someone else? Sorry, you'd be wrong. 
Then there's the issue mentioned above. Who says my husband accidentally seeing a breastfeeding photo is worse than the other people seeing the photos (you know, the 1300+ random strange women who are also in the group). 

I can assure you that my husband couldn't care less about the goings-on of the "secret" mommy group, but if you're afraid your husband will seek out photos of breasts online, there are plenty of other places to find them. Perhaps you should get off the internet and have a conversation with him. 

In Real Life

In real life there is this crazy thing called "support" that happens without a keyboard, a profile, or a "secret" group. In real life this support comes in the form of friends, family, and church. In real life you don't have to keep secrets, because not everything is recorded, not everything is public (online everything is public, secret or not), and not everything is for sale. In real life you can pick up the phone or drive to a friend's house and have a confidential talk. Being afraid of my husband (who rarely uses our joint Facebook account) seeing your breastfeeding photo is equivalent to me refusing to nurse my baby at my friends house just in case her husband comes home. There's something called discretion. If I think someone's coming over who shouldn't see my breasts, I cover up! It's the newest rage. I'd rather my "real life" friends see me breastfeed my kid than 1300 strange women anyway. 

In real life I don't have to worry about my husband seeking out breasts to look at, because he sees mine enough for free (pull your jaw back up, you were all thinking the same thing already). In real life I have friends that don't care that I'm married and have a very faithful and open communication with my husband. 

Do I divulge the secrets? No. Would I show my husband breastfeeding pictures on the "secret" mommy group? No. My integrity is 100% the same online and "in real life". Can you say that? Can you say it for all 1300+ members of your "secret" group? I'd say if you can't speak for the integrity of the people you're sharing your secrets with, or the people on your Facebook friends for that matter, then you need to try real life out. Go outside (gasp!) and knock on your next-door-neighbor's house. Offer your hand for a human, physical connection, and invite them over to dinner or to talk. If it's a man, and you're a woman, invite them for cookies and coffee on your porch, invite another person to make it more appropriate, or just don't worry about it! If you're not trying to show him  your breasts, and you keep the meeting public it may be okay! You may even make a friend. You may be able to minister. You may just start an epidemic on your street! Maybe instead of "secret" support groups,  you'll spear head an annual block barbeque (yes, those used to happen when people weren't afraid to meet their neighbors). 

High Drama Mama(s)

Did I enjoy being a part of the "secret" mommy group? Yes. But that doesn't mean that all this drama hasn't made me realize just how much drama goes on there! When you can sit behind a keyboard it is so easy to drop inhibitions and say/do/share things you wouldn't ordinarily. Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings and a lot of drama. When you believe that everything is private and confidential and "secret" you sometimes forget that maybe some people in the group know you in real life! Maybe you would even talk about them and just confuse "secret" with "no judgement". Believe it or not, when you say something online, people can be hurt "in real life". It happens. The people behind the screen are real-life people with beating hearts who think and feel. When you want to rant about your kids being horrible, someone reading your post may have just lost a baby. When you rant about your husband forgetting to take out the trash, someone in the group may have just been widowed. When you rant about politics, family, church, etc someone in the group of 1300+ people will be touched in a good way or a bad. 

Don't you want all your connections to be good? Don't you want it to be a good experience knowing you? 

If you just place a little more value in your "in real life", it may surprise you how much it will affect your online life. 

And when you realize that people in real life want to connect with you, it will work wonders for your soul! You are worth more than a number in a Facebook group or a ((hug)) in a comment box. You can have a real hug. I promise you that.