Today must be the day during the fast that I completely lose it. This feeling of doom and brokenness caught me by surprise, I must say. I have been feeling really good about the fast, about our devotions we've been having together, about our prayers, and life in general. I should have known that that was too easy...
So when we were at the sunset service this evening, and everyone else was sharing stories about how they've been blessed this week, all I could share was that we are struggling. I have to admit, I don't know where God is going with this. I can't make sense of making us struggle like this. I mean, we struggled as kids, so I guess I don't see why it's fair for God to make us struggle while trying to provide for our kids. I have been crying and feeling sorry for myself all this evening--even yelling at my husband about how his mom should have taught him better in home schooling, or made him go to public school. I yelled about how God knew that he could have had better now, had she done better as a mom then. It's never going to do any good yelling about things of the past though, is it?
I have calmed down slightly, and we have prayed and given this all to God. This is probably not the end of our struggles, nor is it the end of my disappointments, but it will be the end of my worries. I don't have to worry about this life, because I have a home in the next, right?
I pray that I can stick with this. I pray I am as strong that God thinks I am.
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